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I’m Not Waiting Anymore

I don’t know how to say this without sounding completely broken.

I’ve been waiting on God for so long that I can’t even remember when it started or why.

I can’t remember what I was originally waiting for.

The prayers have blurred together. The hope has worn thin. The “any day now” has turned into years.

And right now… I’m not waiting on nothing anymore.

I’m tired.

I’m broken.

I’m disappointed in a way that feels too heavy to carry nicely.

Everybody loves quoting the end of Job — the double blessing, the restoration, the happy ending.

But they don’t talk about the long, ugly middle where even the man who feared God starts wondering if the waiting is just another cruel joke.

I still believe God exists.

I just don’t know if He’s listening to me right now.

And I’m too exhausted to keep pretending I’m okay with the silence.

So today I’m saying it out loud:

I’m not waiting with excitement anymore.

I’m not holding my breath for the breakthrough.

I’m just here. Still breathing. Still in the pot. Still boiling.

Maybe one day something will shift.

Maybe it won’t.

Either way, I’m done forcing hope that feels fake.

My name is Job.

I’ve waited so long I forgot what I was waiting for.

And right now… I’m just trying to survive the waiting itself.

Still Building.

Even when I don’t know what I’m building toward anymore.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

To my ten followers on Facebook, my two on X, and my twenty-six followers + eight subscribers on Medium…

Thank you.

From the bottom of my tired, still-building heart — thank you.

Some days I feel like I’m shouting into the void.

Some days I wonder if anyone is even reading these raw 2 AM pieces.

But you’re here. You’re reading. You’re walking this heavy road with me.

That means more than you know.

I’m not famous.

I’m not polished.

I’m just a man named Job — still in the pot, still boiling, still trying to make sense of the shit while refusing to stay broken.

The fact that you’re here anyway… that you’re willing to read the donkey pasta nights, the irritation, the secondhand faith, and the quiet hope — that humbles me.

So from one survivor to another:

Thank you for showing up.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for being part of this small, honest corner of the internet.

We’re still building.

One raw post at a time.

Still Building.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

What I Actually Want from Job 42

Everybody talks about the end of Job’s story like it’s a lottery ticket.

Double the wealth. Double the livestock. Double the blessings.

But that’s not what I want most.

If I could choose my own version of Job 42, it would be much simpler:

I just want my own career again.

I want my own income that actually stays in my pocket for once. Build up savings again.

I want my own safe place — not a fancy mansion, just a decent apartment or small house in a quiet area.

I want my own car again.

I want my own brand new bed that nobody else has dirtied.

I want my own space. Just mine.

Most of all… I want peace.

I don’t need people coming to window-shop my life.

I’m tired of looking over my shoulder.

I just need enough to stand on my own two feet again — clean, private, and protected.

A place where I can breathe.

A place where I can build.

That would be more than enough.

My name is Job.

Still in the pot. Still boiling. Still waiting.

But I know what I want now.

Not the glamorous restoration everyone preaches about.

Just the quiet, clean version.

Still Building.

Even when building means wanting simple things that feel impossible right now.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

Even When Life Is Shit, There Is Still Beauty

You had fun because you were fun.

You felt loved because you loved and vibrated love and joy.

It was beautiful because you weren’t distracted by unhappiness and therefore saw it.

Even now.

Even when the money disappears before it can breathe.

Even when the landlord spies and plays stupid games because he is hard up for more money.

Even when your mouth is throbbing with pain.

Even when job applications feels like it’s taking forever.

Even when you wake up to scared to drive into town.

Even when you eat donkey pasta and laugh in the dark because you had one of two choices, either food & no electricity or electricity & no food.

There is still beauty and even a good giggle in a crapp decision.

Not because the circumstances are beautiful — they’re mostly shit right now.

But because I am still me.

I can still find something to laugh at.

I can still love hard.

I can still dream about beautiful things and dogs and a better life.

I can still write at 2 AM..

I can still feel hope after a dream where my dead family came to hug me.

The pot is still boiling.

The fire is still burning.

But something inside me has changed.

I don’t need perfect conditions to feel alive anymore.

I don’t need everything to be okay before I can see beauty.

I carry it with me now.

Everything I need is already within me.

My name is Job.

Life is still heavy most days.

But I am still fun.

I am still love.

I am still able to see beauty — even in the middle of the mess.

Still Building.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

A Dream in the Middle of the Boiling Pot

I woke up this morning irritated as hell.

Everything feels slow.

Everything feels heavy.

The same old crap keeps boiling around me and I’m gatvol. I just want to get going, man. I want movement. I want something to finally break open forward.

But I woke up from a dream this morning.

I was in a house that I never lived in but the street name is the same as what I grew up on thousands of km’s away from where I am today. In the kitchen opening a new toothbrush. My mother walked in — the one who died five years ago — looked at my new tooth brush and said something of now my toothache will go away and quietly switched on the kettle for coffee. Then my brother, gone 25 years, came up the stairs as I was going down and greeted me. And as I walked down the passage, my dad that died 6 years ago came out of the bedroom, hugged me, and said he was going to miss me and turned away to do something at the table behind him without moving away from me.

It was peaceful.

It was warm.

It felt like love from the other side.

I woke up with that soft feeling still in my chest… but the irritation came rushing right back. Because the outside world hasn’t changed. The waiting is still here. The pressure is still here. The slow, grinding reality is still here.

This is my Job season.

You get a moment of comfort — a dream, a small sign, a little money for the dentist after weeks of walking with pain— and then reality slaps you again. The pot keeps boiling. The irritation stays. The desire to finally move forward burns in you.

I don’t know what the dream meant.

Maybe it was just my soul giving me a little tenderness in the middle of the fire accompanied with this darn toothach.

Maybe it was my family saying they see me.

Maybe it was a reminder that I’m not completely alone in this long, sore season.

All I know is I’m still here.

Still irritated.

Still tired.

Still carrying this heavy, quiet pressure every day.

But I’m still breathing.

Still writing.

Still refusing to stay broken.

My name is Job.

Some mornings the dream is beautiful.

Some mornings the irritation is louder.

Both are true.

Still Building.

Even when building feels slow, sore, and irritating as hell.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

The Only Prayer This Job Has Left In Him.

Heavenly Father,

I place my past my now and future in Your hands.

I’m tired of closed doors, I’m tired of working for free and little bits of scrap and only to fail at everything.

I’m tired of delays.

I’m tired of spending money I don’t have and money desperately need in the house on new medicals every few months while everything moves in slow motion and nothing comes to an end or fruition.

But I know You are the God who makes a way where there seems to be none.

I declare: My destiny belongs to You.

Remove every obstacle and person that blocks my steps and progress.

Open the right doors — no one can shut.

Surround my journey with Your light, and let no curse, no attack, no scheme succeed against me please because you know it’s only me and you because I have no one ells left.

Even when I feel stuck in the ashes…

Even when I end up having donkey pasta for dinner after another horrible week and laugh about in the dark alone because you know how it goes, its either money for food or electricity or medication and never enough money for everything together. Ill try never to buy super cheap meat again, lesson learned.

Even when I don’t understand what You’re doing…

I’m still here.

Still breathing.

Still trusting with secondhand faith.

God, I’m not asking for much or riches or an ease road.

I’m just asking for the strength to keep walking in it.

Still Building.

Amen.

If you want to support I am Job PEASE?

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

The Silent Pressure of Trying to Be Okay
Not everything that hurts is visible.
Some people don’t cry.
They don’t break down.
They don’t ask for help.
They just… continue.
They wake up, go to work, reply to messages, smile when needed —
but inside, something feels heavy.
Life has a way of putting pressure on us quietly.
Expectations. Money. The fear of not being enough.
And yet, we carry it. Every day.
The truth is, strength doesn’t always look loud.
Sometimes, strength is just getting through the day without giving up.
Sometimes, it’s choosing to keep going — even when no one notices.
So if you’re feeling tired, overwhelmed, or stuck…
just know this:
You’re not weak.
You’re human.
And that is more than enough.

If I am Job has been a friend to you today, please consider buying me a coffee please that I Job may have in my silence please.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

It’s 2 AM.

The old coffee is almost dead.

I have sitting at this corner window for a long time now with a beer that’s gone warm and a cigarette burning slow between my fingers. The ashtray’s full. My head’s full. My chest is heavier than the darn smoke, but sometimes it’s all we just need to escape a bit. Just sitting watching joyful, healthy and successful people with the hope of their good and healthy viabrating energies jumps over to me and consume me.

This is where the real everything comes out.

No nice lighting.

No filter.

No pretending I’ve got it all figured out.

My name is Job.

I’ve lost more than I could afford, even part of my health and twice I was on the brink of not coming back. The first time my central nervous system packed up, the second time it was a stroke.

Through it all, I lost my Family to deaths, Money, Dignity, Direction, and my Career.

I’ve been betrayed by people I trusted with my life.

I’ve had clients take my work and disappear with my livelihood.

I’ve had strokes and nervous system breakdowns and still woke up the next day wondering why the hell I’m still breathing.

I’ve screamed at God.

I’ve sat in silence waiting for an answer that never came.

I’ve borrowed my faith secondhand from a man who went through worse and still refused to stay broken.

And yet… here I am.

Still smoking.

Still drinking this warm beer.

Still writing.

Still Building.

Even when building feels like bleeding.

This page — I Am Job Uncut — is where I stop performing.

This is the raw, late-night, unfiltered version of me.

The anger. The woped humor, The moments I want to give up. The stubborn darn decision to keep going anyway. Something like a spaceship pilot all alone in a very big dark atmosphere and wanting to get home and has no idee how this is going to work out or where his going to land or end up, but the only guarantee he has is its going to hurt but he doesn’t know where or how yet.

If you’re also sitting in the ashes at 2 AM out of touch wondering how the hell you’re supposed to keep going… pull up a stool, brother or sister.

You’re not alone.

My name is Job.

What’s your name?

And what season are you in right now?

Let’s talk.

Still Building.

If I Am Job, has brought any support or at least some laughter to you today, please consider buying me a coffee I kind of desperately need that coffee at: paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

There comes a point where my faith isn’t shiny anymore.

It’s not even faith really.

It’s just blind stubbornness mixed with stupidity and pure survival.

My gut have been kicked so hard and so many times that I’m not even sure if I still believe in anything anymore. You’re exhausted. You’re angry. You’re broke. You’re in pain. You’ve been let down so many times and often if not mostly by your Payers, Trust and HOPE that “hope” feels like a dirty word.

And yet… I keep going.

That’s where I am right now.

That’s where a lot of us are right now.

This is secondhand faith.

I didn’t create it. I inherited it from a man named Job. He sat in ashes scraping his wounds with broken pottery while people told him to just curse God and die. He screamed at God, He raged, He questioned everything, everything I do. And still… he kept breathing.

So when I wake up and I have nothing — accept for !!! just another day of yesterdays nonsens — I borrow a bit of second hand faith again from him.

I tell myself:

“If that man could go through worse than this and still come out the other side… then maybe I can too.”

Whether you own your own business, work on commission only, consult, or you’re just an employee trying to build a track record — it all feels the same when you’re at the bottom.

You’re not building success yet.

You’re just trying not to die.

You’re showing up even when you feel stupid for still believing something better is possible. You’re doing the work even when it feels pointless. You’re adding one small brick at a time to a CV, to a business, to a life that keeps trying to break you.

That is secondhand faith.

It’s not pretty.

It’s not inspiring.

It’s just honest.

It says: “I’m too ……. to create new belief right now… so I’m going to borrow from the one who already proved it can be done.”

My name is Job and I’m Still Building and Learning.

If I Am Job has brought any support or at least some laughter to you today, please consider buying me a coffee at: paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7″

Balls of Steel & a Little Bit of Second Hand Stubborn Faith with an inch of resilience.

This morning I was sitting here talking to my best and only true and honest friend, wishing him a happy 65th birthday, and not only in his career over 40 years as mentor but just in his being of a person. While we were on the call, he actually went onto my site and had a look. He told me he’s supportive of what I’m doing just by sending me a whatsapp correcting me on a spelling mistake. Man, that meant the world to me! (That is love that is support).

So there I am — on my cheap Hisense phone, chatting away, but at the same time editing and publishing this mornings inner piece within me as I Am Job. And as I’m looking at this little phone in my hand, something hit me hard.

This cheap phone in my hand that switches off as and when it wants, freezes as and when it wants and is only 8/9 months old has way more computing power than the computer that took men to the Moon safely and brought them back safely on the first trip in the 60’s.

Let that sink in.

The Apollo Guidance Computer — the “brain” of that spaceship — had only about 76 KB of memory. My basic Hisense phone laughs at that number. And yet, with that tiny amount of power, those astronauts landed on the Moon, walked around, and came home safe to live and tell the story for decades afterwards.

They didn’t need the latest and greatest.

They just needed something that worked… and balls of steel to use it, and a reminder of a little bit of faith has worked for others from before.

That’s exactly what I’m learning right now with this blog, a week ago I was still building an impressive website and its taking time, and its new tricks and vocabulary for an old dog at my age to learn and it can be frustrating and everything costs money I don’t have but I will get there someday but on this past miserable lonely Sunday this beautiful blog post site was born with 34 followers already and counting.

I don’t need fancy equipment.

I don’t need to reinvent the wheel or rewrite everything from scratch.

I just need to use what I have — this cheap phone, this simple website, and the faith I can borrow when mine feels small or completely lost as most of the times.

Job’s faith worked.

It was tested. It was stubborn. It was second hand at times.

But it was enough.

And Bob became our uncle and here we are.

So if you’re sitting there today watching dead flowers grow thinking you don’t have the right tools, the perfect setup, or enough faith — stop waiting.

All you need is:

Balls of steel (or at least a little bit of courage)

A little bit of second hand faith ( If it worked for Job it has to work for me somehow / somewhere along the line too).

And the willingness to use what’s already in your hands

We do need tools, yes — but the simplest ones often work best when paired with stubborn faith.

I’m right here with you — also borrowing faith together when we have and need to.

Still Building.

My name is Job – and what’s your name?

What season are you in right now?

In the meantime if “I Am Job” is helping you in some supportive way, or at least made you laugh a bit. Please consider buying me a coffee please.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7″