Category: Experience’s & Lessons

The last few morning I woke up empty, many things happening in the last few days since my meltdown last Friday but no energy to write and it’s been a combination of things and battels with in myself just self reflection time. 

Everyday it’s the same heavy feeling.

The same old shit.

Still no sign of Money.

Still no door’s appearing.

Same rocks in my path.

For years I waited for the big dramatic joyful ending of Job 42 experience in my own life that everyone speaks about — the double blessing after years of walking the line, the sudden restoration, the happy turnaround.

I kept thinking if I just worked harder, prayed harder, helped more people, surely God would flip the script.

But that’s not what happened:

Instead I lost more.

Doors closed more and permanently and stayed closed.

People kept taking without giving back and your time will come.

Then something finally shifted.

I stopped fighting it.

Here where I always sit by the window, where I enjoy my quiet smoke in the mornings something happened in my mind.

ACCEPTANCE.

I accepted my life and said:

“Okay. I am Job.”

I was born into shit.

I’m living in shit and this is it.

And the future? Who knows what it holds and it scares me and I am someone who likes to know what I am in for and have a mathematical answer as to what the outcome is going to be. With me everything is binary, it’s only a yes or a no , there is no maybe and grey from my side.

So in a binary form I accepted.

This acceptance is the real blessing of Job 42.

Not the money.

Not the double portion.

Not any justice for injustices that I suffered.

But a new mind.

A quieter heart.

The ability to stop pretending everything is ok and start walking as the man I actually am.

With acceptance comes accountability and responsibility.

I can’t change other people.

I can’t force them to roll rocks out of my path.

I can only carry my own weight properly and stop carrying those who refuse to carry anything or themselves at least.

I am Job.

I accept it.

I acknowledge it.

And strangely… there is peace in that.

Still Building.

My name is Job.

What’s your name?

What season are you in right now?

PayPal: @VanDerMerwe7

A Dream in the Middle of the Boiling Pot

I woke up this morning irritated as hell.

Everything feels slow.

Everything feels heavy.

The same old crap keeps boiling around me and I’m gatvol. I just want to get going, man. I want movement. I want something to finally break open forward.

But I woke up from a dream this morning.

I was in a house that I never lived in but the street name is the same as what I grew up on thousands of km’s away from where I am today. In the kitchen opening a new toothbrush. My mother walked in — the one who died five years ago — looked at my new tooth brush and said something of now my toothache will go away and quietly switched on the kettle for coffee. Then my brother, gone 25 years, came up the stairs as I was going down and greeted me. And as I walked down the passage, my dad that died 6 years ago came out of the bedroom, hugged me, and said he was going to miss me and turned away to do something at the table behind him without moving away from me.

It was peaceful.

It was warm.

It felt like love from the other side.

I woke up with that soft feeling still in my chest… but the irritation came rushing right back. Because the outside world hasn’t changed. The waiting is still here. The pressure is still here. The slow, grinding reality is still here.

This is my Job season.

You get a moment of comfort — a dream, a small sign, a little money for the dentist after weeks of walking with pain— and then reality slaps you again. The pot keeps boiling. The irritation stays. The desire to finally move forward burns in you.

I don’t know what the dream meant.

Maybe it was just my soul giving me a little tenderness in the middle of the fire accompanied with this darn toothach.

Maybe it was my family saying they see me.

Maybe it was a reminder that I’m not completely alone in this long, sore season.

All I know is I’m still here.

Still irritated.

Still tired.

Still carrying this heavy, quiet pressure every day.

But I’m still breathing.

Still writing.

Still refusing to stay broken.

My name is Job.

Some mornings the dream is beautiful.

Some mornings the irritation is louder.

Both are true.

Still Building.

Even when building feels slow, sore, and irritating as hell.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7

Balls of Steel & a Little Bit of Second Hand Stubborn Faith with an inch of resilience.

This morning I was sitting here talking to my best and only true and honest friend, wishing him a happy 65th birthday, and not only in his career over 40 years as mentor but just in his being of a person. While we were on the call, he actually went onto my site and had a look. He told me he’s supportive of what I’m doing just by sending me a whatsapp correcting me on a spelling mistake. Man, that meant the world to me! (That is love that is support).

So there I am — on my cheap Hisense phone, chatting away, but at the same time editing and publishing this mornings inner piece within me as I Am Job. And as I’m looking at this little phone in my hand, something hit me hard.

This cheap phone in my hand that switches off as and when it wants, freezes as and when it wants and is only 8/9 months old has way more computing power than the computer that took men to the Moon safely and brought them back safely on the first trip in the 60’s.

Let that sink in.

The Apollo Guidance Computer — the “brain” of that spaceship — had only about 76 KB of memory. My basic Hisense phone laughs at that number. And yet, with that tiny amount of power, those astronauts landed on the Moon, walked around, and came home safe to live and tell the story for decades afterwards.

They didn’t need the latest and greatest.

They just needed something that worked… and balls of steel to use it, and a reminder of a little bit of faith has worked for others from before.

That’s exactly what I’m learning right now with this blog, a week ago I was still building an impressive website and its taking time, and its new tricks and vocabulary for an old dog at my age to learn and it can be frustrating and everything costs money I don’t have but I will get there someday but on this past miserable lonely Sunday this beautiful blog post site was born with 34 followers already and counting.

I don’t need fancy equipment.

I don’t need to reinvent the wheel or rewrite everything from scratch.

I just need to use what I have — this cheap phone, this simple website, and the faith I can borrow when mine feels small or completely lost as most of the times.

Job’s faith worked.

It was tested. It was stubborn. It was second hand at times.

But it was enough.

And Bob became our uncle and here we are.

So if you’re sitting there today watching dead flowers grow thinking you don’t have the right tools, the perfect setup, or enough faith — stop waiting.

All you need is:

Balls of steel (or at least a little bit of courage)

A little bit of second hand faith ( If it worked for Job it has to work for me somehow / somewhere along the line too).

And the willingness to use what’s already in your hands

We do need tools, yes — but the simplest ones often work best when paired with stubborn faith.

I’m right here with you — also borrowing faith together when we have and need to.

Still Building.

My name is Job – and what’s your name?

What season are you in right now?

In the meantime if “I Am Job” is helping you in some supportive way, or at least made you laugh a bit. Please consider buying me a coffee please.

paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7″

Most days I don’t have fresh, shiny faith.

There’s no one at home speaking life into me. No strong support system. No infrastructure holding me up. It’s only me, no girlfriend, no wife, no children and no sibling’s and no friends except for the doom profits that some how finds me on their radar all the time.

It’s only me.
Every single day is a battle inside my own head and ordinary day to day life — fighting against clients who keep taking but never pay, even though they’ve been with me for years and aren’t struggling, they’re just full of greed and nonsense. It feels like something much bigger than me has decided to conspire against me and is having a great feast at my expense, and with every rich meal their having I’m suffering from the heartburn they should be suffering.

So all I have left, is second hand faith.

I inherited it from a man who went through worse than me. His name was Job.

In all honesty, I don’t know if his pain was truly worse than mine or yours because hurt is hurt and loss is loss so don’t let anyone tell you your not hurting as badly as Job ( Because some people thrive on belittling others at their weakest). I’ve lost almost everything too — children, family, wealth, health, dignity, career, and many things I’m still discovering I lost. I sat in my own version of ashes while my so-called friends dissected my life, looking for where I must have messed up big. They tangled me up so badly that I lost all direction for years and stayed stuck going backwards and went on church searching for answers for many years.

I had a central nervous system breakdown. Then a stroke. The shock and hurt during recovery nearly destroyed me. And through it all, God stayed silent — just like He did with my big brother Job.

But that man kept breathing.
He kept speaking.
He kept arguing with God.
And in the end… God showed up.

So when I wake up with nothing — no money, no diesel, no answers, no strength, no food and no fresh hope — I reach for second hand faith.

I tell myself:
“If it worked for him, and I seem to have inherited his life, then maybe it can still work for me.”
I don’t need to feel it.
I don’t need to understand it.
I just need to trust that someone before me already walked through deeper hell than this and still came out the other side.

Second hand faith is not weak.

It’s honest.
It says: “I’m too tired to generate new belief right now, I’m actually to scared to pray, trust, hope and believe today again because yesterday just like the days before was Royal Cockups. I’ve been let down way too many times already. So I’m going to borrow from the one who already proved it works.”

Job my older brother proved it.
He screamed. He cried. He raged. He questioned everything — and God did not destroy him.
God restored him ………. eventually.

So today, if your faith feels small, used, borrowed, or almost gone… that’s okay.
Hold onto the second hand version.
It has already been battle-tested.
It has already been proven.

My name is Job – and what’s your name?
And what season are you in right now?

I’m right here with you — borrowing faith together when we have to.
Still Building.

Don’t get me wrong, I wish my non paying clients are sitting right here right next to me in my boat.

If I Am Job has helped you today or at least brought you a bit of laughter or anything positive then please consider buying me a coffee: paypal.me/VanDerMerwe7